ALMOST SOLILOQUY...MAYBE MONOLOGUE

My only hope for her is to be be fully emancipated from the anxiety that has her bound. These shackles have for so long clung onto her masquerading as comfort, when they really have been impeding growth. Discomfort. Perturbation, a bad habit that almost seemed normal...let her eyes see clearly. Let her eyes see clearly. let her body run as freely as her mind. Let her live. Be alive in her moments of greatness....Every day of her life.

My only hope for her is to never cease loving like there is no tomorrow. For her to never be cynical about love, nor to be complacent with it. With all lifes experiences, may this be the one thing that makes sense (in all its confusing facets) to her when all else is without comprehension. Created was she for love, by love, in love...so let it be that her legacy is that of simplicity, Love. Of depth, love. Of beauty, love. She was created to love...may she always find the joy she knows in it...

VUMA D

Slow Suicide

 Living for your shadow now,

Because at least i know light still exists.

In the dark i have nothing.

As your shadow slowly diminishes with the sunset,

I am grieved and long for light once again.

Ironic because this shadow of yours consumes with coldness.

I seem to be completely oblivious to the warmth sunlight brings.

Im here desiring sunlight not for growth but death....

Of the last bits of me that still have the energy to be content with your virtual being.

Im Aware of the twisted irony i have subjected myself to...

But there is something comforting about this slow suicide.

VUMA D

When Im Missing You...

As the raindrops fell on my window pane,

The clouds outside seem to mourn with me,

That which i felt in your absence.

They cried literal tears, i seemed to fight back.

With every drop my heart sank deeper into the pits of my stomach.

In all its anguish, my heart still finds beauty in these moments.

Moments inspired by love in all their dingy shades of despair.

The wind tried to sing me a lullaby to sleep,

Its sombre melodies could only make me think...of you.

Staring out the window has led to writing this simple poem for you...

O’ the things i do though when im missing you. 

VUMA D

FINAL REQUEST

Hi, glad to see you have made it.

Im about to be real honest so please, just listen.

The truth is im not over you.

Im sure you probably don’t know when i even got under you?

See the thing is,you somehow got under me, my skin.

At first it felt comfortable, exhilarating a bit...

But now, all of it is uncomfortable.

Like a student in class struggling with simple algebra,

Im feeling THAT stupid.

I mean but its not as simple as just solving for x

The variable that is you does not want to have a definite answer.

These are usually thoughts i would just share with myself

But this time im like “oh well” !

You may as well walk in the corridors that have had you plastered on the walls.

Completely drenched in you...well, were.

Which brings me to now...

So without taking too much of your time,

I have this final request...

Please fall through the cracks of my heart,

Do your best to squeeze through the crevices.

Like the wind beneath my feet you once were,

That ever so gentle breeze i once knew...

Please be the tornado and destroy.

Completely abolish, tarnish, leave no remains behind.

I will gladly discard of the debris,

Atleast then i will be certain that you finally cease to exist...in my memory

You will be main character no more.

Close your own curtain, curtsey if you may

Let this be my last say.

VUMA D

Untitled

They said actions speak louder than words.

I have heard that actions speak louder than words.

So i had hoped subconsciously, you would know what i wanted,

 by what i did for you, with you, to you.

I was almost certain that we had this non verbal agreement, signed on the dotted line...

That we were for each other and there was no other who could, well, be the other.

 And yet...it seemed they lied, those who said actions speak louder than words.

It seems i was hearing wrong all along.

For if that were really the case, how could you have not heard?

all my desperate screams of wanting to be loved by you.

You couldn’t have ignored my loud declarations of love to you.

My actions were louder than my words and yet...

 i found myself in a situation where i was left feeling stupid for having trusted some saying i had heard and was almost certain it was working in my life.

But there was no verbal agreement, no contract ever signed.

I never told you what i wanted from you, so how can i hold you accountable?

You never did say you loved me nor did you ever promise to be mine.

My ambivalence has birthed my detriment

Your fiction desire of me has been my torment.

Maybe actions do speak louder than words

Or at least only because i say so...

So as you watch me walk slowly away from you,

Trust, that even this time, i hope you read much into this one action.

out of all of those which i had hoped were speaking for me,

let this be the one you listen to. 

Vuma D

I Too Want To Be THAT Good!

After indirectly “studying” Kanye west, (by that i mean constantly listening to his whole body of work, ie. Albums) one thing is certain about this man... It’s that he is good at what he does, love what he does and is unapologetic about both facts. He respects his art, gives nothing less than 100% to produce it and then walks in the confidence that because he says his work is good enough, it is so. He needs no approval from anyone else. He walks in true emancipation.

I want to be THAT good at something. Be confident in that one thing that i know i'm good at... to then walk confidently in the fact.

i mean for so long i have accepted that he is a pompous human being, comes across as rude but then now here i am admiring the man about his work ethic. He simply gives nothing less than his best. I have blindly interpreted his confidence as arrogance but a fine line lies between the two. I do understand that many may still be on the other side of the line...but i have suddenly found myself on the other side of the line, the “confident” side.

Amazing where and when one will find inspiration... *chuckles at herself*

I too want to be THAT good...at something. 

VUMA D

Rose Growing On Concrete

I imagine how it would be

A rose growing on concrete.

Quite a sight! Truly motivational.

The sight alone would leave the mind so perplexed

For how could such a beautiful thing

Emerge from such a hard, lifeless place?

Still bloom and show off its crimson red

The red not associated with wounds but with Life.

I imagine how it would be

 A rose growing on concrete.

To stare and gaze and be bemused by the creation

So small in size but monumental in the notion...

“Anything is possible”.

Then the thought, “am I a rose?”

Introspection, self actualisation.

Then I imagined how I would be

Finally becoming what I have been imagining.

Having made it past the challenges, meandering.

Ducked the bullets of giving up,

Even when shot, saved by the vest of hope.

In imagining how I would be,

Flourishing, nurtured by the rays...

Having turned my lemons into lemonade

The taste alone of the lemonade would be the sweetest.

Overcoming, superseding the bitterness

I need not imagine how I will be

For I am a rose growing on concrete.

Thirsty for more, of life, more life.

At times drained by the mediocrity of equilibrium,

I push through the cement for just a glimpse of the Sun.

I am a rose growing on concrete

With roots stretching, burgeoning.

Forming the firm foundation of my being.

I await the day the petals will open up

Releasing a gush of a perpetual fragrance, Hope.

To finally bloom and show off my crimson red

The red not associated with wounds but with Life.

I am a rose growing on concrete.

VUMA D

Joie De Vivre

For so long these were just words

That were so far from being tangible.

So far from my reality, impossible to personify.

In my thoughts i could almost touch them...

Joy of living!

But no matter how far the thoughts stretched out

I still couldn’t say i had the joy of living.

How is it, it took me a little over 18 years...

To know you differ from happiness, joy?

Yes i smiled, yes i have been happy, but joy?

The three letter word that once experienced is profound

Joy, the source of one’s strength once found.

Once i knew about you fully, i yearned for you,

I craved you and was forever longing for you

And then...

Joie de vivre!

I seek you no more

No longer are you but a French expression

Because i finally tasted joy, no longer under the misconception,

That happiness and you were synonymous.

Living in this state of perfection,

My word! the epitome of relaxation...of mind,

that transcends to manifest physically in my smile.

Dearly i hold onto you now

Grip so tight, hands clamped shut.

Woe to me should i lose my joy of living.

Feeling so right, embedded in my gut

Indeed i am free with my joy of living

Hoping with all of my might that i am never found without

My God given Joie de vivre

VUMA D

INSIDE OF ME

I have this voice inside of me that longs to be unleashed

It lingers in my mind day in and day out...

Slowly but surely it starts being released,

Then words start coming right out of my mouth.

I have this passion inside of me, burning without seizing.

It drives me to do, for it is a friend of inspiration.

So,no surprise when I slowly start believing,

That I too can be, it’s so motivating!

And yet...

Senseless fears governing actions,

Endless tears the immediate reaction.

Why is it that we are afraid?

Many dreams swept under the carpet,

The hidden screams, you have become a puppet.

Why is that we are constrained?

Is it not now the ordained hour to use your very power?

The moment to devour the very things u desire...

To be full of desires manifesting as realities.

The many possibilities created by opportunities.

Take hold of your destiny let it not pass you by

Make sure you bare a testimony of how hard you tried.

I have this voice inside of me and I no longer will hold it back

For its melodies are the very reason I find myself on track.

It’s powerful, it’s true, it’s the reason that I move

Without it in my life, i wouldn’t have a clue.

I have this voice inside me that i tend to listen to

To think, to do, to be, to fully flourish in being me.

VUMA D

Let go

Let go of all the pain

And all the haranguing thoughts it hangs on

Let go of all the disappointments

That were birthed by expectations, conceived in assumptions

Let go of what wasn’t, that,

 no matter how hard you close your eyes, you can’t wish it to Be, ever.

Let go of the misconceptions

That you find yourself always trying to prove wrong,

You know who you are so just Be

Be the you that the almighty created you to be,

Which surely isn’t one who is holding on?

To past pain and present irritations

Let it go

For what can come of that which you have no control over?

Like the rising of the sun-uncontrolled by the world- be You

But first it begins with letting go and letting God.

Be still, know that he is He

Who knows you intricately

Loves you intensely

Motivates you continuously...

Let go, it’s simple.

For why carry your heavy load?

 When he himself tells you that his burden is light.

Smile fully, overflowing in Joy.

Love whole heartedly, submerged in peace.

Let go, with nothing to hold you back

From being nothing less than GOOD.

Let go

VUMA D

Don’t forget to smell the roses

Hey! watch it, this is life you are living.

It’s delicate with a lifespan unpredictable.

You go through it in haste,

Always rushing to be somewhere where you have never been,

Without the guarantee that you will like it there, let alone get there.

Always in a panic to proceed forward,

But don’t forget to smell the roses.

 

You see? you almost fell, you trip and stumble,

But forward you, go not realising the repercussions.

No lesson learnt, nothing to adjust the next time,

Just feeling what is masquerading as freedom.

That you live to plan, to work, to worry...often.

See if freedom was what truly resided in you,

You would be using it to...well, smell the roses.

 

Do you even know where roses grow?

Or are they found in that place you never go?

Relaxation is just a steady count to ten,

Then back to the working because it’s what you can comprehend...

No! Enough already. you were born to smell the roses

You know, be one with the joie de vivre!

To inhale the scents and to tantalise your senses,

To appreciate the colours, and look at life through brand new lenses.

 

Hey watch it! it's life you are living.

So before they wither and wilt away.

Before they become without their last petal.

Before you read about how lovely they smelt...

Or ponder on how life changing the experience could have been.

With all life’s haste and strife, just...

Never forget to smell the roses!

 

VUMA D

DEAR STRANGER

Let’s be vulnerable together.

Come on. You and me. Right now.

The beauty about us is that, we need not go around in circles,

Where even after circumference, there’s no desired result.

All the circles we need to worry about,

Are those which belong to us, which intertwine...

An awkward thing at first and then, sublime.

We will make our way past our awkwardity,

Where, our only foreplay will be our nervous giggles.

Nervous no more as we get lost in each other.

 Our tongues quickly escalading  this beautiful anomaly we have subjected ourselves to.

Pressure is unheard of, expectation non-existent.

Pleasure is undeniable, in turn our circles persistent.

Our circles persist as we drown deep into each other.

Neither of us gasping for air, drowning.

 

VUMA D

CHANGE

I can’t say it was love at first sight.

No! Quite frankly there was no attraction to you whatsoever.

Yes, others seemed to like you, embrace you...

Oh the embraces you got! all but from me.

I actually found you quite irritating and unnecessary.

Nothing about you, to my life, was at all complimentary.

You pursued me fervently,

I ducked and meandered but you somehow managed to hit the bulls eye.

Forced into this game of moving darts with you...

I the moving board, you the very sharp dart and my life, the bulls eye.

Why? A question i found myself asking every time.

Questioning your existence in my life.

It wasn’t until time did what it does best...

Make everything known in its time,

Allow one to have retrospect.

So in hinds sight the little girl you were chasing down

Was running away from you, trying.

Trying to be big and grown, without you.

Trying to remain in the comfort she knew, had grown attached to.

And yet...

You always managed to catch up with me and hit your bulls eye.

I thank you for that, for you have always brought with you growth.

The very thing i lacked and needed.

You always seemed to be so vicious and cut throat,

Had no care in the world about whether or not you were loved by me,

Just came and left, having delivered your only package, GROWTH.

Geez talk about tough love!

I still can’t say it was love at first sight

But oh how i wish it was!

Then time wouldn’t have been wasted in the running,

But rather spent in the accepting...you.

You who refreshes, challenges, moulds.

You who is an occurrence for the greater good.

A gold medallist in what you do,

I simply admire your precision.

I think i have grown to like you

Your power though always inspires nothing but fear, of the unknown.

And i think that’s what it’s always been, fear.

Had me running away, not embracing, because, well, fear.

Fear of something i didn’t know, will never know.

Fear of something new!

Because in as much as we all love opening up Christmas gifts,

It’s always with anxiety and hope mostly

For the gift to be, not only new, but what we love too!

In my experience the former and latter have proved to be true.

So change, you’re the best damn Christmas gift a girl could ever ask for.

VUMA D

Woman thou art strong

If only you knew how strong you are

How it is your ordained prerogative

To endure, persevere and stand strong,

Firm in your worth. Golden from birth.

To NOT endure past the threshold of dignity.

Your dignity, which should be dwelling in tranquillity,

Of love and peace and joy effortlessly.

Your dignity that does not diminish in walking away...

Away from all that cripples, that insults the beauty that is you.

But is rather inspiring to those whose knees are too weak to stand.

Actions speak louder than words

So why are his “I love you’s” always ushered in by his hand?

On your face, your ever so beautiful face...

Where the only caress it ever encounters,

Is that of your tears that gently fall, (so as to comfort you)

As you fall deeper into a whirlwind of pain.

This pain eats away at your soul

And yet in all its corrosiveness

You remain so put together, the biggest smiler, full of life.

But the true story is always told by your wet pillow.

If only you knew how strong you are

The mere fact that you stand today

Shows just how much of you is left to unveil.

For not only are you strong, but kind too.

And it is the latter that finds you running at a deficit.

Constantly being blinded by the white lies,

That are neatly presented to you in wonderful ribbons of “I’m sorry”.

It is seen in your forgiveness, which leads to incompleteness,

That your kindness hasn’t made its way to yourself.

Love yourself. Be by yourself. Be kind to yourself.

Realise that the only person you need to be strong for, is yourself.

If only you knew how strong you are

A diamond...many faceted, indestructible, luminescent.

A flower...beautiful and delicate in need of gentle hands.

This strength is an inward thing, stemming from the core of your spirit.

So quit looking for it in places full of testosterone.

Carry on enduring and persevering life’s hardships

For they bring forth growth and change.

Always remember though to Love yourself to be kind to yourself.

And NEVER endure past the threshold of your dignity

Your dignity, which should be dwelling in tranquillity,

Of love and peace and joy effortlessly.

Woman thou art strong.

VUMA D

Golden

When you say you love me i won’t even have to double check its authenticity because if it’s as real as you say it is, i will recognise it immediately because it will somehow mirror the love i have for myself. Familiarity. Be the very shadow of the agape i have grown up mastering, for myself. A pure, quiet confident thing that needs no reassurance that seeks no worldly approval, that follows no equation, that just is.

Please don’t get me wrong though, your love for me mimicking my love for me, is not that of a selfish nature, but how i see it...surely if i have come to master the art of loving me, flaws and all, after all these years, then surely i have every right to use my love for me as a measuring stick...uhm...

i’m sorry if my being frank is making you feel uncomfortable because you realise that your love, next to my measuring stick is so derivative. You have to understand that My love is gold. No, i refuse to lose my lustre in the mean time while you attempt to be my gold, give me gold. Im impatient. Its either we are golden together or you go ahead and find your silver, your bronze, im perfectly golden alone.

When you say you love me, please understand that i can only reciprocate in gold, its all i know. My gold, you will recognise immediately because it will somehow mirror the love you have for yourself. Golden. Nothing more, and certainly nothing less. 

VUMA D

Vulnerability complex

You are a hopeless romantic,

Masquerading as a love cynic.

Underneath those robes of pride,

Lays someone who loves fearlessly and completely.

But you see, love can’t tolerate indifference,

It needs to be wanted...and you long for it.

So, to say something or to die slowly inside?

Oh how you have mastered the art of smiling through the pain,

But much more deceitful than the sun shining behind clouds,

Because no one can even feel the heat of your burning passion, your smile is so bright.

Walls built so high around your heart due to fear,

That your heart wins no battle against your mind...

Will it win the war though?

You tell yourself, not if you have anything to do with it!

But, what’s life without a little hurt to give you an experience to learn from?

What’s growth without challenges that inspire strength?

What’s love without fearless commitment, since you only live once?

Go on, step out of your comfort zone!

For how long will you have this vulnerability complex of yours?

It breeds no memories of your own...

Only leaves you to spectate others’ joy in love.

Undress yourself in those robes of pride

And clothe yourself in garments of fearlessness.

Wear your heart on your sleeve...

 Be yourself fully, he who loves fearlessly and completely.

Enough with your vulnerability complex already!

So what if your heart acquires bumps and bruises along the way?...life is such

For living and loving with the hope of being joyful always.

VUMA D

Welcome to my world

Welcome to the corridors of my mind,
Welcome to the consequences of most of my procrastination.
Welcome to the place where my honesty is epitomized,
the land of virtual pen and paper, where i reign supreme because in the land of soil and water i too am a peasant of fear...sometimes.

Finally the birth of the place i will have the opportunity to share ALL my written work. Its been a long time coming now...in my own words i allow the honest, sensitive, passionate, vulnerable, emotional mess i am to run free. Honestly. Make what you will with my words turned into poems. Writing is my baby love and nothing emancipates quite like it.